In 1989 I was 12 years old living in a run down row house located on the west side of the city. It was my grandma, father, brother and I after my mother abandoned us when I was only 2 or 3. It wasn’t bad for awhile until my grandma died when I was 10. My father worked but at home was an angry drunk most of the time or passed out on the sofa. Not a week went by that my brother or I were not beaten by him. My brother is 3 years older than me and was whipped more often. We seemed to survive on fast food since food was scarce and money tight. He not only beat us with his belt but would often hit or slap our face and head. The summer I turned 12 he beat me so bad I went out the back door. With a bloody nose and crying I sat down in the alley outside the fence. That was the first time I met Lucas who lived in the first floor apartment in back of my house. He was very kind and took me to his apartment to tend to my bloody nose. He made me a sandwich and soda and we talked for a long time. He was sympathetic as I probably told him to much about my family life. As I left he told me I was welcome anytime and said I could watch tv there whenever I wanted. A few days later I saw him in his yard and went out to talk to him. He invited me in and I trusted him and felt safer with him than I did with my own father. He said to just knock on his back door. This I started doing a few times a week simply because he had good food, soda and snacks and a big tv with video games. Not just that but he often gave me a few dollars and sometimes $5. I was totally relaxed at his apartment and anytime I wanted something he told me to help myself. That summer I spent more time there than in my house.

After a month or so he began letting me in but asking if it is ok that he is in his underwear. It didn’t faze me at all since I often saw my father and brother that way. Naivety is the only reason I can think of when I began seeing him naked. The first few times he would come out from a shower and kind of apologize saying he forgot I was there. Then he would come back out of his bedroom with only a bathrobe on. Sometimes he had it tied closed but at times it was open. Even then I didn’t think much about it. Because of my father and brother I already knew what a man looks like.
It was probably that September the first time he prepared a bubble bath for me. I hesitated but after he convinced me it was ok led me to the bathroom and never came in and only shut the door. Its funny but I thought it was cool that he did that for me. All through fall and winter that year I was at his apartment for hours 3 or 4 times a week. He prepared a bubble bath for me once or twice a week never invading my privacy. I did see him naked more often or exposed but never objected to it. I did see him with erections but it didn’t bother me. I wasn’t stupid or smart about sex but had seen my brother masturbate 2 times. That Spring was the first time he knocked on the door while I was in the bubble bath. He said he needed something out of his closet and asked if he could come in. I was so at ease with Lucas that without a thought I told him to come in. He took out a bottle of aspirin and talked for a few minutes then walked out and closed the door. I was not the least bit embarrassed. His bathrobe was wide open so I saw more of him than he did of me.

After that it got to where he came in every time I was in the tub and I suppose I became used to it. I no longer cared if he saw me undressed. The first time he saw me completely naked is when he offered to help me out of the tub. He just held up a towel and without hesitation I stood up took his hand and stepped out. I remember screaming at my brother and father when they saw me naked but with Lucas seeing me didn’t embarrass me. The next summer I turned 13 and by that time he saw me naked regularly and I saw him naked every time I was there. We did talk about sex before but then it became our main discussions. He started by informing me he had an erection calling it a boner. That’s when he bluntly asked if I knew what masturbation was and asked if I masturbate. I told him I did touch myself sometimes but didn’t know if it really was masturbating. He said it was and when I mentioned I saw my brother doing it he said he does it. That day was the first time I watched him jerk off. By mid July we were masturbating each other and by the end of August I was no longer a virgin. I began having intercourse with him and he always used a condom. He started giving oral sex which would have me in such a state of arousal I would orgasm several times. Eventually he had me giving him oral sex which surprisingly I never hesitated. I don’t know why but I only wanted to make Lucas happy. A month after I turned 14 I went to Lucas’s apartment and an older lady answered the door. It was his landlady and she told me he didn’t renew his lease and moved out the day before. I was devastated and never heard from him again. My life was miserable until I was 19, got a job and moved out of that house. I finally met a great guy when I was 22 and have been married now for 17 years and have a son and daughter. I know now that Lucas was a pedophile but I also remember how happy I was with him. I can’t deny that I liked him and confess that I liked the sex at the time. I never felt abused and only regretful that Lucas left the way he did. I never told and will never tell my husband about it since I don’t feel bad or shame about those couple years.